Soul Dreams
by Bil
Summary: Sometimes you don't notice a thing slip away. And sometimes that thing is your soul. Complete.
1. Soul Lost (Kathryn)

**"Soul Dreams"**  
A story in two parts  
by Bil!

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Disclaimer: This Universe and all it contains are Paramount's. No money has been received for this, a work of fiction. Do not archive without permission.

Author's Notes: Yes, well. It's not intended to be J/C, though you're quite welcome to take it that way if you want. Doesn't affect me. Just don't ask me what the main title has to do with anything.

It's a bit weird and metaphysical, so I don't know how much sense it will make

Written in Season 5.

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**Part I: Soul Lost (Kathryn)**

Home. How strange that word sounds now. All those years we spent among unknown stars, my entire being focused on this one goal. And I made it. I got my crew home, and then kept them out of jail. But now I don't think there is a me to come home. Somewhere on that journey I lost my soul.

And the worst thing is, I never even noticed. How could I have missed it? Such a terrible thing to lose, and I didn't even realise it had gone. One more thing to blame myself for.

When did I lose it? When I saved the Ocampa and condemned my crew? No, not until later. When I killed Tuvix to get Tuvok and Neelix back? Possibly. That was hard. When Kes left, when I bargained with the Borg, the devil himself? When the alien matrix tried to kill me? When?

I don't know when. I pushed Kathryn away one too many times, hid her away too often as I let the Captain take over for one emergency or other. And I lost her. I lost my Self, my soul.

And now there is a hollow place inside me that I didn't realise existed. Only now, when my biggest decision is whether to have pancakes or muffins for breakfast, do I realise that that bright soul that once dwelt inside of me has gone. Kathryn left, and all that remains is the Captain.

And to my surprise, I find I hate her. I hate this harsh unfeeling automaton I have become. Where is the scientist who stared up at the night sky with a dreamer's awe? Where is the woman who befriended dogs and Marquis rebels? Where is the soul who was my heart and my being? Where is the one who knew how to laugh?

Alone, at the end of another mindless, heartless day, I walk on the beach, on Earth, the planet I never thought to see again, and try to recapture the joy of a sunset. But there is no joy. Nothing. I am empty, heartless.

I fall to my knees on the damp sand and I weep. Where is Kathryn? Why did she leave me? What happened to me?

I have lost my soul, and I don't know how to get her back.

End Part One


	2. Soul Found (Chakotay)

**Part II: Soul Found (Chakotay)**

It's time, it's time, a small voice whispers in my heart. Return me, Chakotay, I can go home.

I walk along the beach, revelling in the simple feeling of sand under my bare feet. Hoping that soon my friend will be walking beside me. A small stone sits in my breast pocket, my most important possession. Today I will give it away. Today I will return it.

It's from New Earth, a flattened, rounded riverstone, almost golden in colour. Once it was of little importance, a small momento. But one day, when I was meditating in my quarters, Kathryn's spirit guide entered my vision. I couldn't see her, but I knew her. She told me to keep safe what she gave me, to protect it with my life because it was Kathryn's life. And then I woke with the small stone in my palm.

I kept it close to me for the rest of our journey, and then through the bustle of our return, and the almost-calm and loneliness that followed. A burden, light in physical weight, that I am proud to carry despite its toll.

The sun has been swallowed by the sea when I see her, crumpled on the beach weeping. Oh, Kathryn. And in her uniform, too. There really is only the Captain left. The Captain was never herself without her uniform. And she is the only person I know who would come to the beach in it.

I crouch beside her, putting a hand gently on her shoulder.

Her head whips up, and she tries to pretend she hasn't been crying. I wipe her cheek with my thumb and she drops her head, ashamed. She never learns, does she? You never need to be ashamed around me, Kathryn. Neither does the Captain. Instead of trying to tell her that, though, I silently hand her the stone.

She stares at me for a moment. Yes, Kathryn, I'm crazy.

But her frown transforms into an amazed smile. "Kathryn?" she whispers hopefully. I nod, though she isn't looking at me. Yes. Kathryn.

She begins to cry again, but this time from pure joy, and I can see the hole in her eyes being filled by the bright spark that is Kathryn.

I sit beside her and look out at the final rays of a dying sun. The Captain's death pyre.

Her hand slips into mine, with a grateful squeeze.

Finally, I speak. "I kept her for you."

_Fin_

Copyright 2001


End file.
